Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
