your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
