Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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