Don't make out with my wife yet
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize