I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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