I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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