I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
