This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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