It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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