i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
