god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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