I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
