i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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