I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
