i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
