TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
