not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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