i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
