Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
