The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
