Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize