i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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