Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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