I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
