and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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