maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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