so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
