I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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