did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
