Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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