i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
