come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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