I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
