Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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