I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
