OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
