I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
