You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize