mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
