I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
