legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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