You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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