Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't deserve a penis
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize