2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
