Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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