Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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