his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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