There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
