Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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