You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
