just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize