She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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