How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Boobs speak an international language.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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