I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
