i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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