my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
