I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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