im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
