Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
