I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
