it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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